timeline of time
This is the real timeline of the Earth's history. A timeline of time itself. Completely falsified of course.
The dates are undoubtedly wrong. And there are dates that are supposed to be
closely fictitiously factual, but I don't care, so neither should you. Whatever.
Enjoy anyway.It all begins waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when.....
Year 10,000,000,000,000 BC
Universe is created. God's first real mistake. Covers it up by creating cute
little fishy things on planet called "Earth" a few years later with
the "Oh, but they're so cute, it can't have been such a big mistake creating
the Universe" speech. Prosecution concedes on this point.
Year 5,000,000,000 BC
Dinosaur-esque things roam the Earth. Drive cavemen out of their homes. Big
protest rallies, the usual. Dinosaurs eat cavemen.
Year 4,000,000,000 BC
Earth gets really warm. Dinosaurs complain about use of CFC's in aerosols.
Year 2,000,000,000 BC
Dinosaurs realise that CFC's haven't yet been invented, decide it's probably
something to do with that big roundy thing in the sky which emits heat.
Year 10,000,000 BC
Earth gets cold. Dinosaurs complain that there are no animal skins big enough
for them to kip under.
Year 9,000,000 BC
Dinosaurs die after quest in search of large animal skins is in vain.
Year 8,000,000 BC
Earth gets really cold. Cavemen stay warm by using animal skins.
Year 7,000,000 BC
Clear skies, light south-westerly wind.
Year 4,000,000 BC
Not much to report.
Year 1,000,000 BC
People start looking like people. Less hair, straighter spine, less eating of
bananas.
Year 250,000 BC
Fire discovered. Somewhere near the equator. Spanish cavemen call it "El
Nino" but everyone else just calls it "Ugh"
Year 125,000 BC
After many years debate, it is universally decided fire shall be called "Ugh
Ugh Ugh", after the caveman who discovered it.
Year 50,000 BC
Fire called fire for first time.
Year 49,999 BC
After some deliberation, it is decided that people who want to call fire "Ugh"
can go and climb back up the tree they came from. They do so.
Year 10,000 BC
Wheel invented.
Year 9,998 BC
Wheel is unanimously decided to be named "round thing which rolls"
Year 9,500 BC
Wheel finally decided to be called "wheel"
Year 5,000 BC
Cavemen called "Greeks" take over the planet.
Year 4,000 BC
Egyptian cavemen take over the planet
Year 3,000 BC
Mongols ruled china. Try to take over planet, but haven't figured out how to
take passport photos and are stopped on the Russian border and escorted back
to China
Year 2,000 BC
Greeks make brief comeback. No-one actually hears about it though as the entire
army comes down with the 'flu before they leave their barracks. I said barracks.
Year 1,000 BC
Roman cavemen take over everything. Lots of orgies to be found around this
time. Most of Earth is happy with this.
Year 950 BC
Plebeian cavemen cause fuss. Romans slap them a bit. All dies down. More orgies.
Year 200 BC
All Roman cavemen dies when their tent falls over and is engulfed by Ugh Ugh
Ugh. Sorry, fire.
Year 100 BC
First elastic bands made from wood.
Year 50 BC
God gets bored. Starts some fires.
Year 20 BC
Fires die out. Spanish cavemen still think its "El Nino", Swiss cavemen
assure them it's Ugh Ugh Ugh.
Year 0 BC / AD (you choose!)
Year dot. The big "O". God's second mistake. World population is infuriated
as have just about figured out the imperial system (BC) and then god messes
it up by changing it to metric (AD). Just for his kid or something. New rock
group AD/BC formed. Lots of moshing.
Year 1
The first metric year. Nothing impressive happens. Some protests about "stupid"
metric system confusing matters.
Year 9
Jesus sandals in fashion
Year 64
Swinging 60's. The original original hippies.
Year 77
"Stone wars" released to critical acclaim.
Year 86
"Compact Discus" invented. Gives Greek Athletes the "edge"
at the Olympics. Designed by some bloke called Philipus I believe.
Year 99
Some prince releases a song about this year. Makes good new years eve party
tune, but not really for any other time of year.
Years 100 - 250
Probably some wars of some kind. Probably not particularly important though.
Year 302:
People get bored and invent sex toys.
Year 499:
Some more wars undoubtedly.
Year 578:
First guitars invented. Made from an old Fairy washing up liquid bottle, and
some wooden elastic bands, held together using stick insect backed plastic and
PVC glue.
Year 666:
Devil pops into town for tea and biscuits.
Year 678:
There is no answer from the year you dialled.
Year 691:
Either the year or date you entered is invalid or your account could not be
accessed
Year 999:
Emergency services invented.
Year 1066:
Something happened this year but I'm not sure what.
Year 1150:
Castles in fashion. Also term "Wench" used widely.
Year 1279:
King Arthur's ancestor finds rusty sword in country lake.
Year 1338:
Random year I picked out for no apparent reason.
Year 1475:
Pirates roam the high seas. Many arrested in ports for loitering. Lots of cutlasses.
I said Cutlasses, not asses.
Year 1665:
Great Ugh of London
Year 1666:
Great Plague of London. And everywhere else. People decide they'd rather fall
apart than wash.
Year 1699:
Dunno.
Year 1750:
Moll Flanders gets her boobs out a lot.
Year 1765:
People start washing and stop falling apart.
Year 1830:
probably some other wars during this period of time.
Year 1843:
Tea imported from India. English people begin to act posh.
Year 1860:
Football invented.
Year 1861:
Football Hooligans invented.
Year 1885:
Gunslinging at fashionable high. Rude Dog McGraw is crowned gunslinging champion
with a throwing distance of 12 metres after a gallon of tequila soaked with
lime.
Year 1888:
Cowboys die out.
Year 1895:
War with Zulus. Michael Caine's hair gets messed up. He gets a bit stroppy.
Fortunately someone finds him a hair brush and all is well..
Year 1900:
Cars invented.
Year 1901:
Road rage invented.
Year 1902:
Michelin invented.
Year 1914:
Germans leave deck chairs on French border which causes upset and some fighting
in the streets.
Year 1919:
Deck chairs removed. Peacetime resumes.
Year 1920:
Coca-Cola is invented. Loads of people get high.
Year 1923:
Women given the vote. After all, I'd vote for women.
Year 1939:
German emperor Mr. Hitler makes mistake of showing favouritism to 6ft tall blue
eyed soldiers. (English paper headlines - "Is Hitler Queer?"
Year 1942:
Mr. Mannering begins home guard
Year 1945:
Hitler finally admits he was wrong and takes back what he said about Winston
Churchill's wife.
Year 1955:
Elvis puts his hip out doing funky pelvic motions.
Year 1960 - 1969:
Rebirth of Hippy practices. Note- 1966: England win World Cup final.
Year 1971:
Internet invented.
Year 1973:
Fruit company begin to construct first home computers.
Year 1976:
First home computer sold. Owner has to lease extensive warehousing property
to house the beast.
Year 1977:
"Star Wars" released to critical acclaim. Some believe it is a blatant
rip-off of "Stone Wars" from 1900 years earlier.
Year 1982:
I was born. God's first good move. (!)
Year 1983:
British Broadcasting Corporation (Television Company) begin making home PC's.
Year 1985:
Squirrels see prospects in computer industry and design their own PC, aptly
named "Acorn"
Year 1989:
Some stuff happened.
Year 1991:
Golf war. Colin Montgomery gets leary.
Year 1993:
Michael Jackson undergoes extensive facial plastic surgery. Why? We just don't
know.
Year 1994:
Michael Jackson undergoes more extensive facial plastic surgery when he wakes
up one morning to find he has a nasty looking spot on the end of his nose.
Year 1996:
Michael Jackson's face melts.
Year 1999:
The ancestors of some prince who once sung a song about the year 99 re-release
with a cheesy pop remix for new year's.
Year 2000:
Broadband Internet access available widely. Many net-surfers dies from intense
shock of 24 hour uninterrupted surfing on 512k waves.
Year 2001:
First year in the new millennium. Just the same as every other year really.
Year 2002:
How should I know? We're not there yet.